The travelling nun stops naught for long at any single destination – always exploring, always adventuring. Her beating heart one beats for one, the one that keeps her travelling. Each journey different from the last, no two journeys ever the same, she travels to the far reaches of the world, to some day reach the stars.
Like there’s a hole in my heart, which I carry around like a ton sized burden. I slept well last night despite all the things going through my head. Waking up this morning, I felt an overwhelming urge to call you, but I remember you’re on leave today and I’m not allowed to call on leave days. The urge to hear your voice, to tell you about my day, to feel your comforting arms around me, it turns to stone – you’re not there. So for the rest of today, I carry around a hole in my heart that weighs a tonne. I can’t stop the damn tears.
I saved all my glittery fairy dust like Scrooge with his pennies. I saved them pink, mint and happy. I saved them all for you. I used them generously on you, blanketed you – to make you happy, to make us happy, to fill up all the dark scary holes of anger and pain. But there were too many holes with too much depth and too much width. I have no more magical fairy dust.
We ended the moment you decided to run away. Physically you are – the occasional booty call. Emotionally you’ve gone since the day you left. You lied and you cheated and you left me and my feelings on the backburner.
(He sees me, in that cheesy Avatar way of seeing people. He understands me and he knows what makes me tick. He caresses the small of my back. He nibbles the edges of my shoulders. He licks the back of my ears. He smells my hair and tells me when I change shampoo. He plays with my hair. He kisses me everywhere. He makes me smile in a dorky bashful way that is completely unlike me. He makes me fly.)
I wanted to be the one. The one that bucked the trend, the one that was more than an illusion, the one that was more than a booty call – the one you chose in the end. Everyday you find new and inexplicable ways to break my heart. I cup my shattered heart in my hands and go right back for seconds, thirds and mores. One day I will grow tired of your actions so I will stop going back for pain. I never gave up on you, even at your most difficult. I wanted to mend your pain and fix your hurt, so you could love fully once again, so you could love me the way I love you.
(He made me take that leapt of faith – to lose control above all else and feel love for all its emotion and passion. He lives on the edge of the world, straddling the light and the dark. He shows me new things everyday, shares new experiences everyday. He’s teaching me to grow new perspectives and showing me new insights. My curiosity consumes.)
I remember the story of you running down the corridor, throwing slippers over the parapet and it makes me laugh. I stifle a giggle. It makes the tears easier to bear. My heart’s beating out of my chest, I’m terrified.
I feed so much on the need for validation, external validation, I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my instincts and I don’t know how to be alone. I’m dying inside. I want to toss my limp lifeless soul and chuck my body off a building, if it didn’t require disfigurement. I want to die. Beautiful. Not possible. If our memories could be lik e a VCR recorder, overwritten with newer, happier content. I’d rewrite my memories. I’d rewrite my parents’ memories – write myself out of their lives. I’d rewrite everyone’s memories to omit me, then I can die. Unidentifiable, unknown. No pain to anyone. If.
Validate me please.
What everyone secretly hopes for: to be the exception to the rule, because mediocrity is plain boring.
“a break from our normal lives… A (parenthesis).”
The word wraps itself around my head like cellophane. I’m tangled, mangled. I can see out, but I cannot get out. Suddenly, the frame comes into focus, there’s clarity in the picture. I’m there, but not. I see, I hear, I smell, but I can’t touch. So near yet so far.
On a separate note, the world’s a small place. I drove into the car park, settled myself into the nearest available lot, walked away, turned to double check if I had locked the car door, and I realised I’m parked next to you.