The Christmas Countdown – 5 days

 

5 days to Christmas, another 7 to a new year. My inner Christmas humbug has made its annual appearance to haunt me once more. The lights and festivities, warm and bright, contrast the inner loneliness and magnify the intense solitude. The tears escape from the icy chambers you started to thaw – beware the avalanche.

 

This year, I want to take a holiday on Christmas Island, where the population is few and Christmas lights, fewer. And in the dark of the night, I’d make a wish on a falling star and hope the universe hears my little prayer.

Uranus.

Asking me lame jokes: What’s a deer without eyes? What’s a fish without eyes?

It got me started and I’m not sure if this one has ever been made up before, but I suddenly thought of it.

Which planet suffers from OCD? 🙂

A little crude, but nonetheless smart. *pat on the back*

Steamroller over me.

The tears overrunneth like a Korean soap, the entanglements messy and confusing, sometimes bittersweet. She’s come undone – what do you do?

Leona Lewis’s song Happy resonates deep within me, as I ponder the meaning of life, the point of life, the bigger picture. As we age, we have more questions, less answers. The questions increasingly harder to answer. I don’t know what the point of life is, I just sometimes wish it were easier. Where do you draw your line of happiness against the next person’s?

Love?

I often don’t remember the things that I write, or the things that I say, or anything for that matter. Which sometimes, I suppose, makes me a good point of repository for information. But that is not the point of this post really.

 

This one is about love and worry.

 

I tell him to “drink less”, “watch your alcohol intake”, “not drink and drive”, “take a cab home if you exceed the two drink limit”, “drink more water”, all this in the name of love. Because I love him.

 

Something got me thinking today – is it really love and altruistic reasons that drive the incessant nagging? Do I really say these things “for his own good, because I love him”? Or do I really say it for my own selfish reasons – Because I want him to live longer, so I can spend more time with him? Or because I don’t want him to become my burden if his liver fails on him or if his alcohol intake creates more health problems I don’t want to deal with?

 

I am questioning my actions and intentions because I’m not so sure of myself anymore. Why stop him if he enjoys drinking and hanging out with his friends to drink? We’re all terminal, so why not let our hair down, and enjoy today?  What if tomorrow never comes?  Carpe diem.

 

Maybe it is a bit of both. Maybe – just because we are human – we are never truly able to love fully and unconditionally. So if we’re unable to love unconditionally, which the term “love” connotes, can we call it love in the first place? Perhaps it should be called “marshmallow” or “selfish”.

 

 

When grumpy turned less grumpy

You know your morning is going to be a bad one when you: Start out your day with a tummy ache, but with no real urge to go. Find lots of kernel shells in your bowl of oats. Realise that the skirt you bought 2 months ago barely fits you now. Still have a tummyache. Get ready early only to find that the ride to the bus stop is late. Forget to bring your ipod which is still charging at home. Get onto an impossibly crowded bus. Balance at a rather odd angle. Bump into your overzealous intern on the bus. Have people shove you while they get off, then have someone else block you while you try to get off. 😦

 

Bad morning. But I say a little prayer for the little bright lights in this gloomy morning. 1) A happy SMS 2) Gold Access to MM 3) R being in later today 4) and a nice hot caramel macchiato.

Ooh, and must remember to pay my credit card bill and IRAS! The sheer amount of interest charges I accrue at 24% per annum is NOT fun.ny.

 

The Fear.

In the cycle of life, the topic of mortality often gets brought up with some, if not many proclaiming to not fear death. Hear hear I say, because the deep-seated fear really lies in the fear of suffering versus death. The fear of suffering in pain, the fear of being a burden to other, the fear of not being able to accomplish plans and ambition overrides all other fears. Death is simple and black-and-white. You die, you end your pain, and you end someone else’s misery. You don’t die, now that is the issue. You don’t die, you suffer, and you bring burden atop of others’ existing burdens. Hence, I think euthanasia should be seriously considered as an option, religion aside. Life is complicated, why do we insist on complicating it further?

 

On a completely different note, these thoughts have given me impetus to think about how I live my life and how I prioritize my time.