Watching, waiting, hoping for somebody to stir what is within. There is a deep longing to be stirred into action, stirred into passion, stirred into excitement, stirred to want to look forward. As if, if stirred, the within would find meaning for its existence. Perhaps, perhaps not. Perhaps, the truth is the acceptance of stagnancy. Acceptance and understanding is true peace and calm. Unmoving. Clear as crystal waters.
The within is well hidden in a maze of confusion and unwilling dichotomies. The within is hard to locate, and even harder to want to locate. Perhaps, it is not meant to be located. But the within seeks, to be stirred.
Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?
How much longer can you keep running? How do you stay alive when its a tsunami?
Here’s a short one for you:
No pain, no grief, no anxious fear
No worries, no sufferings, nought my dear
Mere rest and peace
In God’s loving embrace
— ♥ —
A big leap toward the light. It wasn’t quite as harsh as expected, it was soft and almost glowy. Gentle to the dimmed eye, warm to the frozen skin. He took cautious steps ahead and when he found that the light did not pierce the very existence of his soul, he ran, he jumped, he danced. He basked. In understanding, he felt grateful, though he acknowledged the difficulties ahead.
Perhaps, the line is not as clear as we make them out to be, us from our high horses of light and dark. Too fast to judge, too fast to sentence, societies have no sympathies. In the shades of grey, can we always distinguish the light?
It has been almost a year and till today, the words still resonate in my heart. I hope to see you soon again, Gerard Louis.
On the rare occasion that we get together, have a decent conversation, and show each other some love. This was one of them. Rare, fleeting, but truly golden. (makes me crave for a plate for maggi goreng now.)
We talked about love, life, relationships, work, children, family. I love you, though I may not say it. For all the indiosyncracies and craziness in our lives, at the heart of it all. I love you, and I hope this never changes, not with time, not with wear and tear. In fact, I hope we emerge at the end of our lives, better and stronger. The odds are against us, probably, but I can hope and try.
Much like the strange combination of our choice of food, life is like a strange combination of things coming together. The recent events have set me thinking about many things, not all of them good, but I suppose it is a good excuse to take the skeletons out of the closet. All the things I have buried in my heart and never told a soul, perhaps its time for some of time to come to light. Some, not all. 🙂
26 April 2012
You know there are times. Times when you think to yourself; what am I? Who am I? How do I know whom to love, when deep down inside all I want is to be happy? How do I find that one person who makes me truly feel in this world where nothing is guaranteed. And all I want… All I want is to love, and be loved in return.
But then there are times that you wish you were normal. That you wish you could give back that flutter in your chest that responds to someone who society deems morally wrong for you. Times when you wish you could just give up your heart and build yourself a mechanical organ that beats the same rhythm as everyone else.
But then you find that person. Your person. The one who makes you forget about gender. Forget about fear. Forget that you are confused and scared and have never know what it means to have another person on earth look at you and say; ‘I love you,’ and mean it.
They make you forget everything but the thudding in your chest. And then they smile and even that thudding is gone, because you’ve followed after them. They care about you even through all those hardships and trials, and you look at them and you can feel again.
And even if you never get to be with them, part of your heart will always be safe knowing that; to that person, you are worth something. Even if it’s not the rainbows and butterflies you thought it would be, you find that person who changes how you see the world. They make blue turn into red and they make water into air. They care enough not just let you get away with your shit. They force you to face your shadows and your darkness and they tell you that they’re not afraid of someone with nightmares.
And it may not be perfect, or simple, or right. But it is what it is, and it makes the world a little less lonely, and for once in your life you stop asking questions. For once in your life, there is someone else who is just as scared, and vulnerable, and confused as you, but willing to take a risk. And for once in your life, you feel home.