letters to crushes

26 April 2012

You know there are times. Times when you think to yourself; what am I? Who am I? How do I know whom to love, when deep down inside all I want is to be happy? How do I find that one person who makes me truly feel in this world where nothing is guaranteed. And all I want… All I want is to love, and be loved in return. 

But then there are times that you wish you were normal. That you wish you could give back that flutter in your chest that responds to someone who society deems morally wrong for you. Times when you wish you could just give up your heart and build yourself a mechanical organ that beats the same rhythm as everyone else.

But then you find that person. Your person. The one who makes you forget about gender. Forget about fear. Forget that you are confused and scared and have never know what it means to have another person on earth look at you and say; ‘I love you,’ and mean it. 

They make you forget everything but the thudding in your chest. And then they smile and even that thudding is gone, because you’ve followed after them. They care about you even through all those hardships and trials, and you look at them and you can feel again. 

And even if you never get to be with them, part of your heart will always be safe knowing that; to that person, you are worth something. Even if it’s not the rainbows and butterflies you thought it would be, you find that person who changes how you see the world. They make blue turn into red and they make water into air. They care enough not just let you get away with your shit. They force you to face your shadows and your darkness and they tell you that they’re not afraid of someone with nightmares.

And it may not be perfect, or simple, or right. But it is what it is, and it makes the world a little less lonely, and for once in your life you stop asking questions. For once in your life, there is someone else who is just as scared, and vulnerable, and confused as you, but willing to take a risk. And for once in your life, you feel home.