I get lost in daydreams all the time / I would not admit it even if it were true, though I think it all the time / Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue / The mythical unicorn in my mind / I leave it in the centerfold of my dreams / To merely stain the pages of what is not to be

  

The days at work seem increasingly trying though nothing has changed significantly. I meander through my days of nought, shoving myself into auto-pilot each and everyday. Everyday is a struggle to find the point in life, and everyday I feel farther than before. I bought myself a new handbag to try to cheer myself up 🙂 The smell of leather, the touch of skin, only for it to be hidden in the dark corner of my room to prevent more wagging tongues. 

I’m tired. I need to find new purpose (other than my shoes and bags). HAH.

 

My letter to you.

To the person who complains about never getting any airtime on my blog and in my thoughts, simply because I know you are kaypoh and will come here and ‘zesiao’.

 

Exactly one year ago you sent me this:

 

Hi,

 

Now that the initial anger has subsided, I cant help but feel I have to write to u. I know I shd not and I know you moved on but i dont know why my heart seems to be holding out.

 

Timelines dont matter anymore, who the person is doesnt matter either. Granted i was angry and hurt, very hurt and in a lot of pain but those subsided really quick. What remains is the emptiness. The regret over not being able to rescue the r/s. Maybe I’m a fool for still talking to u and not kicking u out of my mind, but i’m guessing u are still talking to him and not kicking him out even though he did all those things to u.

 

Reading ur sms replies to me, they inflict a lot of pain. your chill, ur cold and ur lack of emotions/tears towards me. i cannot love to order. much as i wld want my A(ss) back, i also know, my A(ss) would not be this cold towards me, this chilling or this cruel. maybe one day my A(ss) will resurface, maybe not.

 

hoping will only cause me greater hurt, cause my closest friends more heartache and exasperation and impact my work negatively. maybe u really do love him, in a way u never loved me before, love works in funny ways and i cannot say whats right and whats wrong. i only wish u loved me the way u love him. because i really loved u. whether u think i did, i dont know. or perhaps i wish i cld have loved u in the way u wanted to be loved.

 

im sorry for not being able to make u fly. to make u soar. i did try my best and perhaps its just not good enough.

 

Z

 

Precisely one year on, you make an offer to ‘make out’ – whatever that is supposed to mean – for money and the supposed ‘favour’. (This coming from the man who swears he would never pay.)

 

You can try to deny that it is a direct monetary offering, but in effect, it is, for VAT no less. And maybe you believe it is okay to ask, because you did me a “big favour” for helping me purchase the bag (He made the offer to do so, by the way. And I’m pretty sure his heart was not in it because he was busy getting to know The girl, hence forgetting VAT.) Or because you think I owe you big time for the ‘big discount value’ (when he bought the wrong size, which means no discount value and the forgotten VAT – double whammy! – when I reminded him to claim VAT on an earlier occasion. I mean, seriously, which doofus goes overseas and has not enough common sense to claim VAT? “Oh no… Is that why he’s an ex? Haha!”) Or perhaps you think it is okay to ask because of the long prior history we had. Trust me, none of the scenarios make it okay. And even if you were reactionary, because I rejected your advances, it is a clear reflection of the person you are, because I haven’t seen any subsequent apology. So that puts you in the category of a slimy bastard, as much as you would like to believe that you are so much better. (The neat little excuse of “can’t always be super nice to you” just saves the day, doesn’t it?)

 

Therefore, I am grateful for the reminders that you are not a nice person. I am not your sex toy for your desires, nor your stresses, at least, not anymore. Please be nice to the next (SQ) girl, the move last night was clearly reminiscent of M.Chin, which is so distasteful anyway.

 

Yours Sincerely.