I only ever blog when I am upset. Happy moments hardly ever render the same sort of outcry. I think I blog when I am upset because it is an outlet, because it saves me from actually turning the brink of madness. I’d rather share my joy than my pain, so I try to leave my pain here, in anonymity, intangible. Funny thing is, this ends up as pain storage. The happy ones are like an intake of fresh air – dissipated – leaving only my fuzzy memory as the sole key to them. Some days the memories are vivid like it happened yesterday, other days the memories are like dementia.
Today, I am upset. Today, I am upset like my head may explode from the anger I am feeling within. As you unwound me, I let the tears flow freely. You laugh and make jokes about my survival abilities. What you don’t see, is me, crying in the toilet and reeling like the snap of the ruler against cold clammy palms. Nobody sees it, but everybody has a good laugh from it. I am the court jester and no one sees the pain under my painted face. I powder my face again and smile. Smile like it hurts if I stop.