2010. A year of struggle.
Painful, wrenching, yet hopeful and ingenuous. Tumultuous. I don’t actually know what to make of the year. I learnt about reality, I learnt about lies, I learnt about truth. I learnt about love, I learnt to love more selflessly, I learnt hope. My heart just feels very tired this 2010, and I begin to wonder what I live for.
Some days I want to stop pretending. I want to stop pretending that I am understanding and accommodating about things, because I don’t want to be understanding.
I don’t want to tell the next person that “I’m ok” when really, I am not. I’m really not ok, but saying that I am saves a lot of time and energy; on trying to explain how I really feel, on getting the next person to listen and comprehend the subtext of my words, on acknowledging my own feeling and emotions.
I don’t want to tell the next person that “It’s ok” when really, it isn’t ok. It isn’t ok to be taken for granted, it isn’t ok to be priority #1428 when I make you priority #1, it isn’t ok to be your backup when everyone else isn’t free.
Some days I’m tired of pretending. Other days I’m too tired to acknowledge myself so I tell myself convenient truths of “ok”.
That is what christmas eating/bingeing does to us all.
What I do like about christmas: The spirit of giving, the excuse of catching up. In some deep crevice within me, lies a well of hope, wanting to be loved, wanting to love and breaking free of my insecurities. The spirit of christmas is a reminder of the importance of love, family and friendship. I am quietly grateful for those who love me and I love, for being a part of my life.
The stark contrast belies the inherent loneliness.
I say a little prayer, everyday, for your presence in my life. In your love, I try to maintain some sort of sanity.
Monthly report completed. Work build-up for semi-annual report begins. Christmas never really feels like christmas thanks to the bloody semi-annual report. Build up expectations for happy holidays and watch it crumble like a house of cards.
On another note, I overheard a girl bitching about parking in town during the festivities. “I’d much rather be chauffeured than drive, then I don’t have to stress myself to looking for a fucking lot..” -smirk- brings new meaning to carpark sex!
5 days to Christmas, another 7 to a new year. My inner Christmas humbug has made its annual appearance to haunt me once more. The lights and festivities, warm and bright, contrast the inner loneliness and magnify the intense solitude. The tears escape from the icy chambers you started to thaw – beware the avalanche.
This year, I want to take a holiday on Christmas Island, where the population is few and Christmas lights, fewer. And in the dark of the night, I’d make a wish on a falling star and hope the universe hears my little prayer.