All I can do…

is keep breathing.

 

I think I am okay, and then I’m not. The tears have stemmed its flow, but the grief still remains. Yesterday I woke up, full of strength and courage to move on in my life. Today, I woke up with a huge hole in my heart and soul – a sink hole waiting to engulf me into nothingness. Some days I’m angry, others I’m resigned. Today, I’m fighting for my sanity. Today, I want to tell you this:

 

“Okay, here it is, your choice… it’s simple, her or me, and I’m sure she is really great. But [insert name], I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.”

 

… coz I just want to hold you in my arms to eternity. This is how I am feeling today – I’m going to try to ride out this feeling, in hope that I will be stronger tomorrow.

Reasons why I love Grey’s Anatomy

Meredith Grey: I can’t think of a single reason why I should be a surgeon, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose… there are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it’s more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here’s the thing, I love the playing field.

 

Meredith Grey: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross.

 

Meredith Grey: You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

 

Meredith Grey: At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

 

Meredith Grey: A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can’t pretend we hadn’t been told. We’ve all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.

 

 

Meredith Grey: Intimacy is a four syllable word for, “Here’s my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy.” It’s both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R’s… relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can’t escape. And other things you just don’t want to know. 

 

Meredith Grey: I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you’ve crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I don’t know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.

 

Derek Shepherd: Dr. Yang…
Cristina: You know what? For just a moment, I’m not Dr. Yang and you’re not Dr. Shepherd. You’re the guy who screwed up my friend. The guy who drove her to get a dog she can’t keep, the dog she only got because her boyfriend lied to her about his wife.
Derek Shepherd: I never lied to her.
Cristina: You know, I know a liar when I see one because I am a liar.

 

Addison: Well isn’t this cozy. Can I join in or are you not in to threesomes?
Meredith: I have to go.
Derek: Meredith… [to Addison] You really are Satan, you realize that right? If Satan were to take physical form he’d be you, everywhere all the time.
Addison: I am so not Satan.
Derek: How come you haven’t gotten on your broomstick and gone back to New York where you belong?
Addison: Stop being petty.
Derek: Stop being an adulterous bitch.

 

 

Derek: [to Addison] There is a land called Passive Agresseva, and you are their queen.

Le Love – encapsulate me.

“he doesn’t deserve me. i know that that’s what everyone’s been telling me for months, and ive known it was true. but now i feel it. i feel it in my heart that i am too good for him. he wasn’t any good for me. he hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. he made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. and i deserve better than that. i deserve a boy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. i deserve a guy that always wants to be with me and will do anything for me. i deserve a man who makes me happy.

 

and i believe he exists. i believe now that someday, i will find my perfect match. i haven’t been optimistic in months. i’ve spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. and i haven’t been able to see that this isn’t the end. i’m young, i have the rest of my life ahead of me. one day, i will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. he exists. and it’s okay if i don’t find him anytime soon. i’m not going to go out there and search for him. because you know what? i do believe in soulmates. i believe that everyone has someone made just for them. and today, today i felt that hope inside of me. that i will find my soulmate. and that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. so why am i wasting my life crying over him? from now on, i’m just going to let go. i know i won’t completely get over him right away, but i’m not going to spend any more time sitting at home when i could be living my life. i’m letting go of him because i don’t need him.

 

i’m going to live. i’m going to have a love for life. and i’m going to be happy.”

 

This post encapsulates my every thought. Though I have yet to reach the point of optimism, but I touch the peripheries of optimism ever so slightly, a little bit more, everyday. The tears still flow, the heart still aches, the mind still crumbles. But after all is said and done, I release that little bit more emotion and I am at least stable again, free of the pull of the spiral down. Sleep continues to elude me, darkness continues to encircle me, but I keep my friends close. The same loving people who surround me with acceptance in such times of craziness and desperation. They help me ride this wave of pain, so I can hopefully emerge stronger and wiser.

I’m not optimistic, I don’t quite believe in soul mates, but I believe that I deserve better in every single possible way. You lied and you cheated. Worst of all, you showed no remorse.  I love you, but you took my heart and fed it to the lions. So I’ll learn. I’ll learn that I can love you and not be with you, because I deserve better. Because I deserve someone who loves me the way I love him.

 

You Suck The Life Out of Me.

{Source: weheartit}

Coz you suck the live out of me the way you do a cigarette. I’m spent.

How can you message me that you miss me? When you refuse my calls and avoid all mention of meeting up?

Just Desserts

I gave my heart a chance, wore it on my sleeve and put everything in – unguarded and unhedged. It was beautiful, everything was perfect and I felt myself soar again. My heart skips a beat when I see you, heady and floaty. I was cotton candy and rainbows, stawberries and cream.

 

Then you just disappeared off the face of the earth. Uncontactable and avoiding me at all costs. I didn’t even see it coming, because the last time we met, I thought we were perfect. Suddenly, you change from hot to cold. There was no lukewarm in between. Last night, I asked you if we were going to meet to talk things out, you didn’t reply until 2.30am on claims of work. I don’t believe it because you weren’t there at 11pm.  So, you’re cheating and I’m breaking. I’m so emotionally over-invested even though things were so short lived. Why won’t you tell me the truth? Pretty please.