I want to…

end the year on a good note and start the year with fresh hopes and dazzling positivity.

2009: A year of changes, a year of ever flowing energies. A year of uncertainty, a year of opportunities. A year where I’ll look back and think to myself, I have done something worthwhile to my life. It may be small and imperceptible to some, but some others have seen it. The miniscule change of shedding some skin, opening some doors, and brightening my outlook. This year, I have learnt to let go of some anger and disappointment, learnt to be a little more positive to situations and excited about new prospects, learnt to appreciate the ones I love the most.

2010, I want to grow in betterment, to be better accountable for my life, to look back and not feel the niggling sense of regret. Even in the face of difficulty, to carry myself with love, hope and respect.  🙂

Merder: We’re all dark and twisty.

“Finally (in my meredith grey voiceover), if we have loved with everything we’ve got, we can and need to hope that this same love that can almost destroy us, can also heal us.” – taken off S‘s recent post, which spoke to me after I heard about the passing of an acquaintance’s mother. She passed on at age 47, of cervical cancer. I have never met her, but the passing on of a loved one is always painful. Whether we know the person or not, the emotion is pretty much the same. In the face of loss which life brings, the tears wash away the facade we put on everyday to reveal vulnerability and fear.  Vulnerability and fear, which we all secretly battle with in the deepest darkest depths of our souls. Life is fragile and fraught with uncertainty, we cannot control our future nor the present, so let life take you on that journey of uncertainty, because the one thing we can control is our perception and reaction to the situation unfolding before our very eyes.

I’m learning to fall to fly. Sometimes we all need a change of perspective to better understand ourselves and what we want in life. I hope I don’t crash and burn.

Nostalgia

It feels like a lifetime ago. Those sweet sneaky memories when I saw you everyday in secret. The nights I would count down the working hours you had left, to jump into your welcoming arms. The late nights along the canal, at the beach and on the patio, where we’d meet, talk and kiss into the wee hours of the morning. Those days we were innocent and naive, I was innocent and naive to be precise. Those early days I secretly built our future together, my little castle on a cloud. I dreamt big dreams of love, hope and happiness, most of all eternity. I may seem cynical on the onset, but deep down, I’m the little girl who grew up, drip fed on Disney fairytales. Fairytales waiting for my prince charming to whisk me off my feet and into the world of happily ever after. My heart soaring and my tummy full of butterflies. But there is no happily ever after as my cynical self will preach. How is it that I cannot reconcile my cynical-realistic-down-to-earth self to my inner-fairytale-starry-eyed-ingenuous self? Where’s my compromise? Today, the duality of my personas has left me broken and wondering. Wandering into a future unknown, with every step as perilous as the last.

Evidently, those happy days are long over.