Emotions: Sine Curve Syndrome

I’m fatigued by my emotions, fatigued by its trend to look like a Sine curve magnified 100x over. My highs higher, my lows lower. I careen through each cycle faster than before, like a rollercoaster where everything just whizzes by you. When I’m happy, the happiness is joyful and brimming, painting rainbows and pooping stars. When I’m sad, the heart aches, as if it was held in the hand and being squeezed to death like a juiced orange. I don’t know what to do with myself. I wish I knew how to work through the difficult days like today. Sometimes I think if I could only visualize myself as a cow, ploughing through the fields of hurt and pain, never flinching nor winces, I would survive. Today, survival rates are low. Today, I stay back at work for no better reason than not having anything or anyone to go home to. Today, I realise, maybe I cannot live alone, maybe I’m not independent, maybe I’m not strong, maybe I’m not all the things I imagine myself to be. Looking back at myself 5 years ago, I was cold, independent and focused. Today, I look in the mirror and see – mushy, needy, desperate, dependent. The heart has taken over the head in the recent battles, where’s the same person I knew 5 years ago?