I can’t help but feel torn over this fiasco with Lehman highnotes. This seems to be conversation at every table I have sat at the last two weeks and I have come up with a conclusion that in this blame game when everything goes wrong, the finger should be pointed at MAS. The finger pointing has happened in every direction except that of MAS. Some blame DBS, some the relationship managers who are mostly clueless about the products, recently, some have come out to complain about how MAS is behind the curve in helping Singaporeans in need. Mis-selling allegations have been swirling about, with Tan Kin Lian, our strange ex NTUC chief taking the lead, but surely that isn’t the root of the issue is it? Sure, relationship managers were at fault for selling products for the sake of fat bonuses, DBS was at fault for not properly training staff and often pressuring sales managers to sell products they were not familiar with, leading to misrepresentation and many investors being cheated. Others were just asking for it, going from bank to bank asking for the highest possible return without considering the risk profile and taking time to read the prospectus. Seriously, that shouldn’t be the point. Shouldn’t someone have noticed that MAS, being our regulatory board, should be held solely responsible for being the gatekeepers to all these products. Even in the America, Lehman minibonds were disallowed to be sold to retail investors. How is it then, we have managed to allow these structured products to be sold to unsuspecting stupid laymen when we claim to have one of the safest investment environment around. Well regulated? Bullshit. Perhaps in the realm of collective investment schemes we are, but what did MAS do with the blackhole of structured products, we let everything slip through, not once considering “protecting” retail investors, which even dumbassAmericans remembered to do. I’m ashamed at our claims to being a well-regulated financial market and even more so at MAS which has done nothing for the people, much less APOLOGISE for their oversight. Shame on the government. And shame on DBS for returning money to the Hongkongers before their very own Singaporeans.
Note: I have no money invested in ANY product, but two weeks of the same conversations have driven me up the wall. Can somebody start pointing fingers in the right direction already?
Someone sighted NTUC Fairprice today, I heard the name and it gave me butterflies in my stomach. I always regretted not getting Fairprice’s number and staying in touch with such a good supermarket. Part of me is amused by my excitement, the other part realises just how sad a soul I am to react in such a manner. Did I mention I love supermarket shopping?
Recently, my mind has been filled with strange desires. Desires of passion, lust and hornyness. I close my eyes and I can see him, looking at me with a kind of passion so fiery yet soft and wanton. In a blink, I’m in his arms, kissing as if it was the end of the world. We tumble around in bed, in the car, in the toilet, on the beach and the kissing never ends. The passion never dies, and the lust growing increasingly intense. An intensity so strong and vivid, my skin is tingling just as I type this post.
Back to the real world, HE doesn’t exist, I don’t have a proper face to the HE and work is beckoning to me.
It’s amazing that there are actual people still reading this little space even though it has been abandoned for so long.
That said, my hollowness has yet to empty out. In fact, the longer I let myself stagnate in this state, the deeper I fall into the black hole- its tentacles twirling and coiling around my every limb, gently lulling me into a state of vulnerability. Letting it take control as the fear of the dark and the unknown set in. Then unwittingly, it recoils and embraces me tight, unflinching and unwilling to release its prey. And there I am, somewhere in the black hole with no way out. Dinner with Dee and S was nice, but I was too preoccupied with trying to fill my black hole to be of any good conversation. Last evening’s conversation just flew over my head. I don’t actually have much recollection. All I feel is this cottony sensation in my head, like nothing exists except tears and pain. Help me find a way out please.
I only blog when I feel depressed. Depressed, down and hollow. I feel like I’m in a really dark place now. I feel like a fraud at work. I’m beginning to wonder why I was hired in the first place. I’m so inept at everything that relates to this industry, half the time I don’t even know what on earth they are talking about. I’ve been on MC the last two days, three if you count raya. My first report is still sitting at the top of my desktop, waiting to be completed, submitted after an entire month. Figures are still missing, and I’m just quietly waiting instead of proactively calling for details. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to find out how truly useless I am. Or maybe I’m just perpetuating a self-fulfilling prophecy that I created for myself. Whatever the case may be, I’m at my desk, paralyzed with fear. Every minute goes by, ticking in my head, tensing every muscle, till I can move no more. I don’t doubt that the people here are nice, but these are the same people who have already made it up the long arduous road, who have dealt with their mistakes and won’t be so kind as to want to deal again. I’m fucking scared and extremely lonely. I hardly think anyone could understand. Z is my closest confidant, but even he doesn’t see what I’m going through. He just sees moody me, and he reacts to moody me with frustration and anger. I can’t deal.
Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a shadow. The shadow of my parents’ will. I don’t know how to say ‘no’ to my parents. Is that bad? I live my life the way they would like my life to turn out, I don’t know how to live it otherwise. The same parents who told me they would be really upset to have hired me because of all my MC days. It was probably the most awful thing I have heard in a long time. I acknowledge the difficulty in liking a staff who goes on MC twice every month. But I’m not your fucking employee! For once, MOTHER, be a real mom, not the mother at work. Today, I was thinking of getting a new job. I would like to do retail sales or merchandising. Z said I wouldn’t like retail sales, but I think I would. It doesn’t require much brain cells, just a lot of perserverance with low pay. I think I’ll give myself till the end of the year. If things don’t look up, find me at the bottom of some high rise.