I had an awful gastric attack last night which left me deprived of sleep and in pain for the better half of the day. My system is completely screwed and I know not what to do. All I would like to do now is to crawl into bed and sleep away all the pain and fears. My thoughts are in a mess, and this post is likely to end up convoluted and confusing.
The boy and I had an argument last night. I felt neglected, he felt neglected, in vastly different aspects. He tried to come to terms with how I was feeling, and I tried to come to terms with how he was feeling, but it just ended up unhappy with no middle ground to reach. I can see he is trying, but sometimes his trying is not enough for me. I know it is a lot of ask, but at the same time, I cannot see myself settling for less. I feel so fragile now that the facade of sanity is the only thing keeping me together. I have so many questions, so many unknowns. Sometimes I wonder if I am with him because I need that sort of approval from the parental units. At the same time, he provides for me more emotional support than my family has ever given me. I’m not trying to blame my family for the dysfunctional upbringing I had, in fact, I love my family very much. But in retrospect, there would be so many things I would change, like the mother’s working hours. Brought up by a maid and the television, I cannot help but feel envious to the various people who share such close relationships to their mothers. Of course, had that been the case, I would be living in a 3 room flat somewhere in Punggol instead. It isn’t the case where I don’t feel grateful for the sacrifices the parental units have made for this family. I just feel so detached from this world. Detached from the boy, detached from people in general.
And work. The workload has been so heavy of late, or maybe I’ve just been too slack. The job hunt, the internship, the schoolwork. It isn’t very much, but I cannot keep up. The various insecurities pounced on me today when I finally let my guard down. After the short quarrel between the parents, I could not help but head directly up to the bedroom only to break down and drift off to sleep. In my short nap, all I could dream about was of work and the job hunt and how fucking useless I am. In the background to the dream, my parents at each others backs again. I don’t know how to deal with them and their new found temperaments, neither do I have the tolerance. The other day, C told me, to enjoy un-swamping myself of work and proceeded to laugh. My tolerance refused to peak and instead I told her off for being insensitive. I don’t normally tell anyone off, and I have never told her off before, but for some strange reason I could hear the boy’s voice in my head, telling me if I never really tell her how I feel, she will continue with her double standards and take me for granted. So, I snapped. There was a moment of relief, but it did not make me feel very much better. I feel torn. Part of me feels bad about snapping about something so inane, part of me feels it was about time to say that I have feelings too.
There is no point to this post, I just felt the need to get it off my chest so i can sleep tonight. TIF tomorrow, I hope everything goes well. *prays*