That’s a euphemism for, ” I think you have it in you, but until it is discovered, you’re just fucking mediocre like everybody else.”
As I reach the next major fork in life, I cannot help but approach it with immense fear and trepidation. As one sheltered from the harsh realities of life, I feel like I’m 19 all over again. The age of crossing from the simple life to the slightly more convoluted life. SMU has given me a taste of the real world, but is has not piqued my senses, instead it has left me with mere cynicism and a whole lot of fear. Now, as it approaches the time for me to step out into the real world, to face the realities of life, to move into the realm of freedom and responsibilities, I feel unprepared. Freedom. Responsibilities. I cannot begin to describe my confusion with the terms. The juxtaposition leaves me floundering. I’m 19 all over again and I don’t know what to expect.
Coffee at starbucks with my two favourite girls never fails perk me up and give me a clearer indicator of the future. They might not be the people I meet the most often, nor are we the best of friends, but they are probably the people who know me the most well. The very people who know the most intricate details of my life and how I am feeling. The most nonjudgmental of my friends, or at least if they ever judged me for my actions, they keep it under wraps the most well.
In the process of our late night conversations, I finally let go of how I was truly feeling. With chinese new year just past, the questions of work marriage and weight evoke many fears.
Fear of not getting a good job. In all honesty, I haven’t applied for a single job since last year. I’ve been nothing short of a bum, hoping that something will fall out of the sky and right on to my lap paying me 5K a month. Such bullshit eh. Somewhere, there is this growing fear within me that makes me wonder if I can be successful at work. These 4 years in SMU have shown me nothing but my absolute ability to fail at everything I try. What if work turns out to be the same, what if I fail and I find myself incompetent, the same way I see my incompetence in SMU. Mediocrity is useless. In life, it is pointless to be mediocre. That is one lesson I will never forget. I must break out of my inertia some way or another.
Fear of the future. If anyone ever heard this, I think they might die laughing, but yes, I fear the future of unknown. Z and I have been together for almost 4 years, even my dad has accepted him. My very protective father actually asked me to consider buying a flat now. NOW. Like the recent DBSS @Bedok. Omg. I love Z, but I’m not sure if he’s the one for me. I’m afraid that I might have a change of heart when I start work. I’ve heard all these stories about how fickle people can be, and that could possibly be me. Z’s settled and he knows exactly what he wants. He’s in a job he loves, at a point in life where he is comfortable to just be himself. I’m not. I’m a pendulum, waiting to take another swing in life. I don’t know if I’ll stop at the same position again, and I don’t want to make a commitment till I take my next swing. The question is… when will it next be?
Now that it is out of my system, I feel marginally lighter and more prepared for tomorrow.
Z brought me out for lunch at Central to try Ant’s favourite joint. He had tried it the day before, loved it, and decided I would too. Indeed I did! Marutama Ramen rocks my socks.
It is a small joint, located on the third floor of Central, much like what you would see in Japan. It probably seats about 25-30 people max. Marutama only serves ramen and a few sides, and it is a little pricey for the offering. Our order of two bowls of ramen with charsiu and egg, with a grilled charsiu on the side set us back a whopping $50. Just for ramen. However, the meal was tremendously satisfying!
The spicy chicken broth came out looking rather yellow and devoid of chilli, but on swallowing the soup, the spiciness hits you at the top of your palate. Very satisfying for the chilli addict in me. However, there was nothing really fantastic about the soup. It was rather oily and just very salty, for those looking for a salt fix. The noodles had a wonderful QQ texture though. I thought it was cooked to perfection. The large mass of vegetables at the side also served to create a array of textures for the mouth to pleasure. The charsiu was very tender too. But all this isn’t the real draw. What really had me suckered was the grilled charsiu! Absolutely fabulous. The meat is fatty, but extremely tender and very tasty. Before you chew it, it’s already down your throat. Very tender, I emphasize. And the egg, oh the egg! I must mention first that I love eating eggs. Cooked on the outside, but runny on the inside. On first bite, it seems like a regular hard boiled egg, but that was before I hit the runny centre. The yoke oozes with each bite, and you can taste the hint of shoyu in the yoke. Lovely. There is no other word of the experience, but lovely. If I ever go back again, I’m ordering 3 eggs.