X came by to school today with Winn and YF, and messaged me for my school password so she could use the internet. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt me just the littlest that she only ever contacts me when she needs something. Maybe I expect too much out of friendship, but sometimes it would be nice to catch up for the sake of catching up.
It took her two months after I returned to give me a free date to sit down for coffee and talk about our lives. No actually, it took her two months just to meet me, coz I did offer her options to study together, as long as it was in NUS. But some church event or some outreach programme or work would cause her to cancel at the very last minute. This time she came down to school to study, she didn’t even bother asking me until after she had my internet password. Does that suck or what? It wasn’t as if I didn’t know the two of them. I’ve known Winn since I was 6! I just wish it didn’t hurt that much.
In another area, the recent number of career talks just serve to make me feel small and insignificant. The mother told me the other day that she wasn’t worried about me finding a job because she thought I was confident and personable. I almost laughed in her face. Sometimes I wonder if it is better for her to live with such ideas or tell her the truth. The truth would make her worried. The lie would leave her with inflated expectations. Expectations I don’t need.
In times like these, I feel I could self-deprecate to death.