tug-of-war

Dilemma. Trapped between trying to be the prodigal daughter and trying to be myself. The recent return back to school has made me very sensitive and volatile. I break down at every barrier, I get mad at every stop. The emotions inundate so much that I have no other way but to let it all out. I often feel like I am trapped. I love my family, and I want to do so much for them, but at the same time, I wish I had a little time to myself. Time that did not have to be allocated to work. My life revolves around work these days. There is no space to breathe, and I cannot even keep up. The load keeps growing, and I keep slowing. It doesn’t make sense, of course it doesn’t. I should be becoming quicker and more alert. That just isn’t the case. I find myself being weighed down, chained to a weight that has me due to the doors of doom. I have a bad sense of the rest of the year. I seem to be constantly fighting low immunity and the grouch in me. Maybe I’m not meant for the greater things in life. I’m coughing, my body is aching, and I sneeze like I’m trying to expulse my lungs. I feel like I could crumble in the next second. The irony is that only thing holding me together is the same thing that is tearing me apart – the hopes and expectations my parents have of me. The expectations I will never reach, but I keep trying just so I can make them happy. Or at least try to. I don’t know what I’m becoming, but I do know I don’t know who I am anymore.

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