*squeals in delight* It’s out and I am definitely in need of new sources to watch it. I miss Addison Montgomery and I hate Lexie Grey as of now. Any move on Shepard and I’m never watching this shit again. It is bad enough that Bambi had to tell Iz that he loved her.
I am get so emotional and involved over a television programme sometimes I feel like a desperate housewife. Gawd, but I often feel the need to watch other people work out in order for me to work out. Which was a point brought up in the season premiere of Grey’s. I do feel the need for people to work out, people in certain situations to work out, to give me an indicator that I will work out too. I talk to friends sometimes and news of relationship distress often signals alarm bells in my head although I don’t show it. It’s bad and it affects the way I conduct my relationship with the boy too. Sigh.
X came by to school today with Winn and YF, and messaged me for my school password so she could use the internet. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt me just the littlest that she only ever contacts me when she needs something. Maybe I expect too much out of friendship, but sometimes it would be nice to catch up for the sake of catching up.
It took her two months after I returned to give me a free date to sit down for coffee and talk about our lives. No actually, it took her two months just to meet me, coz I did offer her options to study together, as long as it was in NUS. But some church event or some outreach programme or work would cause her to cancel at the very last minute. This time she came down to school to study, she didn’t even bother asking me until after she had my internet password. Does that suck or what? It wasn’t as if I didn’t know the two of them. I’ve known Winn since I was 6! I just wish it didn’t hurt that much.
In another area, the recent number of career talks just serve to make me feel small and insignificant. The mother told me the other day that she wasn’t worried about me finding a job because she thought I was confident and personable. I almost laughed in her face. Sometimes I wonder if it is better for her to live with such ideas or tell her the truth. The truth would make her worried. The lie would leave her with inflated expectations. Expectations I don’t need.
In times like these, I feel I could self-deprecate to death.
The day started out awful. I could not finished studying for Portfolio, went a little mad, then went to bed. I woke up tired, worrying about CCT’s quiz. I could not find the only pair of pants I could possibly fit into, which resulted in my yelling at the mother for no good reason. I feel awful about it now, but when it happened, I knew no other way to react. I could not find my pants, I complained about it, the mother offers me her pants, which I say are definitely too short, I go back to my room and groan, the mother starts nagging about how I should have prepped the night before, I tell her I was studying, and she responds it won’t take me more than half an hour, I emphasize I had a quiz last night, she said I could have done it when I got home last night, to which I responded, by this time yelling, “No one was awake last night, I tried on everything I had in the cupboard, nothing fits! NOTHING! I can’t help it if I’m fat.” Then all I could hear was the resounding ring of the word fat as fat tears rolled down.
The brother kindly sent me to school on the mother’s request since the whole situation almost made me late. The quiz was alright, but I didn’t really have a good feel for it. I spent the rest of the morning feeling awful about yelling at the mother early in the morning. I know she cares, but I also need her to lay off a little sometimes. That led to an eruption of more emotions, which left me in the ladies for a good half hour crying. I gave the C-class challenge a miss, to which I feel very bad, since Mel invited me knowing my love for cars.
I feel like I’m so fucking emo today. The slightest provocation could spring a leak of tears. I think I’ll go home today and give the mother a big hug. I’m sorry.
Dilemma. Trapped between trying to be the prodigal daughter and trying to be myself. The recent return back to school has made me very sensitive and volatile. I break down at every barrier, I get mad at every stop. The emotions inundate so much that I have no other way but to let it all out. I often feel like I am trapped. I love my family, and I want to do so much for them, but at the same time, I wish I had a little time to myself. Time that did not have to be allocated to work. My life revolves around work these days. There is no space to breathe, and I cannot even keep up. The load keeps growing, and I keep slowing. It doesn’t make sense, of course it doesn’t. I should be becoming quicker and more alert. That just isn’t the case. I find myself being weighed down, chained to a weight that has me due to the doors of doom. I have a bad sense of the rest of the year. I seem to be constantly fighting low immunity and the grouch in me. Maybe I’m not meant for the greater things in life. I’m coughing, my body is aching, and I sneeze like I’m trying to expulse my lungs. I feel like I could crumble in the next second. The irony is that only thing holding me together is the same thing that is tearing me apart – the hopes and expectations my parents have of me. The expectations I will never reach, but I keep trying just so I can make them happy. Or at least try to. I don’t know what I’m becoming, but I do know I don’t know who I am anymore.
Inertia has caught me off balance and dragged me into the deep dark depths of procrastination, hence the neverending list of Ugly Betty I seem to be watching in the library and the lovely dark eye rings I managed to grow overnight. Two reports, two quizzes and I haven’t even started reading any of the texts. I’m so fucked.
On a brighter note, concern from a friend really made my day. During class this morning, I thought to myself how much of a shadow I seem to be in this school. A fleeting shadow no one notices and no one gives a damn about. People who talk to me seem to be able to look right through me and forget me the next day. She asked if I was okay, which I replied I was, even though I really wasn’t. I tried to look bright and cheery, but she managed to look past that, which few people manage to see. I thought it sweet and it really made me feel worlds better. The events of the morning really made me feel small and silly. The reality of life bites, and sometimes I don’t think I manage it or survive the real working world. What do I do then?
Mixed emotions as the day wore on. I found out this morning that my dearest daddy got a lift from his friend to play golf instead of driving up because he knew I had to go to school, and school doesn’t even start till 7pm for me today. All the same, he sacrificed his convenience for mine. I thought it sweet behind that tough exterior, that has a habit of nagging and yelling for whatever he wants. So touched and it brought me right back to the lyrics of the song I posted yesterday. Little things like that really make me all mushy and grateful for the things in life that have been so kindly bestowed upon me.
Other matters on the other hand, just serve to make me feel smaller than I already feel, taking self-confidence another notch down. Often I feel like I live in my sister’s shadow. She’s friendly, she’s personable, she’s popular and everybody freaking likes her. Not that I have anything against that, but sometimes it would be nice to feel acknowledged for the things I do too. The things I do for the house and my parents. I’m always known as “her younger sister” and not for me.
Today we went for a mani-pedi together and the lady suggested I get a nail base to save my very ridged nails, to which I responded, “Let me think about it.” She immediately quipped in “If you buy it, pay for it yourself hor… I can’t go around paying for everything for the family. Besides, it isn’t my money, it’s my husband’s.” Wth. Seriously. It isn’t as if she pays for every single thing at home. She gives the parental units $1000 a month and buys fruits for the home and says she pays for everything at home. Sure, she paid for my session for beautiful hands, but there was no need to put it that way. It isn’t as if, I’m hawking her money and waiting to rip her off or something. It’s almost as if, I owe her a living for that session. Whatever. I’m just so freaking pissed at her response.
Note to self: Don’t go for mani-pedis on her package, because she makes you feel like you owe her a living. Even better, EARN YOUR OWN KEEP. Yes, I will. Rawr.